"What they don't tell you is the knife also hurts on the way out."

 (c) sierra sugar

A simple question

"Come here girl." He commanded. His icy blue eyes were soft, perhaps speckled with a bit of care, a touch of tenderness, and an abundance of scrutiny. His voice barely above a whisper was laced with something I had not expected from this tall man; concern and resignation, but the tone relayed absolute control and no room for question.

And so I went to him, without question, without thought or hesitation. I went to him and placed myself on the floor before him. I barely registered the course woven rug against my knees as I knelt, my body pulled tight like a small ball trembling below him, bent over so far my forehead rested upon the top of his boot.

He spoke again quietly so that my ears had to strain to make out each word. "And tell me girl, why do you desire to be kajira?"

In that moment I realized this was a kind man. Not a man made up of the horrors that had terrified me. He was different from the exaggerated stories told to frighten and excite. He commanded but he did not take. He molded but he did not break. He was a man to be trusted, his word absolute should he choose to speak it. And his question was simple.

The answer that he sought from me not so much........

(c) Sierra Sugar 02.02.2013

Big Fish #72

It was surreal in a way, traveling from the sunny tropics where the sand burned your feet to the snowy seclusion of the remote resort somewhere in the Wolfe Mountain Range.  Had we really gone so far in such a short amount of time?  Yet the powdery proof was forming crystals on my lashes and melting in my hair. 

The entire range was insulated in a blanket of snow both on the ground and still lazily drifting from low hanging clouds.  Yet, in this icy white paradise that surrounded us I found myself completely warm snuggled protectively against his chest.  Drawing his arm tighter around me making sure I was secure in his grasp, he then tightened his hold on the reigns in his other hand.  I felt the muscles of his legs flex as he gently urged the animal forward, towards our cabin... and awaiting fire in the hearth.  The beautiful creature neighed, shaking its liquid silver mane before continuing in a brisk trot, its golden horn glinting off the late afternoon sun.

(c) sierra sugar 2010

*Another random "Big Fish" writing.

Big Fish #123

It was one of those days where you never fully greet the day. The sun peeks through puffy clouds and casting a hazy glow through the windows adding to the dreamlike quality. But the sun, as eager for its rest as us, had already dipped below the horizon leaving us to the night that we never fully left in the first place. Still wrapped in comfortable cottons that was the normal wear for these lazy days, they were easy to move in, breathable, and allowed for the haphazard touch to the skin without much resistance. It was like this that we sat, arms and legs tangled under a light blanket as the candle light flickered casting a nostalgic glow to the room. Warmed by his heartbeat and breath on my skin as we talked in whispers about the future, the night settled in claiming us both. 

(c) sierra sugar 2010

*This post falls under the random writing category of "Big Fish". Don't catch the reference?  Watch the movie. :)

Just a Little While

When the wind blows stop awhile to feel its cool embrace. Then let go and let it whisk away every drop of pain.

When the rain falls dance a while to its heavenly song. Then stand still and let the cleansing flood wash away the tears.

When the night falls stare awhile at the beauty of the stars. Then exhale releasing to their light all your darkest fears.

And when the world spins laugh awhile at the crazy ride. Then hold on to me and let me help you find your gravity. 

(c) sierra sugar 1.26.2013

Written for someone incredibly dear to me in hopes to help even just a little in her time of need. ♥

My illusion

Funny how there are some things that you can handle.  You deal with them no matter how angry they make you or how much they hurt.  You shake and cry, yell and scream, sleep, write, walk, and anything else you need to do.  But you get through it, or at least continue to muddle your way through.  Looking back you can see the progress made, acknowledge the stumbling blocks, and figure out how to move forward.

And yet, there are some things that are impossible to talk about, or apparently even to write about.  Those feelings locked away so deep inside because they are just too much to deal with.  You pull them out every now and then to try and carefully examine them.  But, time it seems, does not ease the hurt.  Once the lock is released and the lid cracked, the emotion swells and over flows.  It takes every ounce of strength and willpower just to frantically shove it all back down inside and hide it away again.

Not now.

Maybe later.

Some day I'll be able to face it.

One day I'll figure out the why's and all the other unanswered questions inside.

When it doesn't hurt so much.

So for now I keep it all bundled up, boxed up, locked up, and tucked away deep inside.  For now I live in awkward silence and dance around uncomfortable shadows.  For now I accept the words that can be offered and ignore those that cannot be said.  For now.

For now I just choose not to look too closely, because to do so would force all those feelings that are so tenuously held in check to come to the surface in an overwhelming surge.  Too much.  Too fast.  Just a peek inside and already I can't breathe.

Tomorrow.  Maybe tomorrow.

This is what I tell myself. This is my illusion.

~sierra

Finding Strength

So she knelt, knees buckled as she crumbled to the ground, hands out, palms down, cheek pressed against the cool grass and cried. She poured out her soul in silence. Her tears soaked the rich dirt beneath her. Her fingers dug into the Earth as she held on in an attempt to stop the world from spinning. Every gasping breath a shudder that caused her to tremble against the ground. The shadows cradled her and the mist caressed her fevered skin. Each whispered plea wrenched from her chest in choking sobs, was carried away by the gentle brush of the wind. And all the while time continued to spiral beyond control.

She closed her eyes against the empty night, blocking out the moon, the darkness, and tormenting emptiness. The Wolf was out there, hurting and alone, but somewhere out there. She knew what she had to do. Even the smallest have strength from which to draw, and yes, sometimes even the Wolf needs protecting.

(c) 2012 sierra sugar