My illusion

Funny how there are some things that you can handle.  You deal with them no matter how angry they make you or how much they hurt.  You shake and cry, yell and scream, sleep, write, walk, and anything else you need to do.  But you get through it, or at least continue to muddle your way through.  Looking back you can see the progress made, acknowledge the stumbling blocks, and figure out how to move forward.

And yet, there are some things that are impossible to talk about, or apparently even to write about.  Those feelings locked away so deep inside because they are just too much to deal with.  You pull them out every now and then to try and carefully examine them.  But, time it seems, does not ease the hurt.  Once the lock is released and the lid cracked, the emotion swells and over flows.  It takes every ounce of strength and willpower just to frantically shove it all back down inside and hide it away again.

Not now.

Maybe later.

Some day I'll be able to face it.

One day I'll figure out the why's and all the other unanswered questions inside.

When it doesn't hurt so much.

So for now I keep it all bundled up, boxed up, locked up, and tucked away deep inside.  For now I live in awkward silence and dance around uncomfortable shadows.  For now I accept the words that can be offered and ignore those that cannot be said.  For now.

For now I just choose not to look too closely, because to do so would force all those feelings that are so tenuously held in check to come to the surface in an overwhelming surge.  Too much.  Too fast.  Just a peek inside and already I can't breathe.

Tomorrow.  Maybe tomorrow.

This is what I tell myself. This is my illusion.

~sierra